Dating without my Prostate: How to ‘disclose’ on a first date
Read the previous article: Where to meet women?
This is the third in a series of guest articles, written by one man 6 months without Prostate, on a mission to live life to the fullest…
So, you’ve been successful in meeting a woman. Well done for finding a connection and asking her for coffee or wine.
But I bet you still have this undisclosed prostate cancer and floppy penis issue screaming in your head…
I’ve had the same thoughts and fears as you, and I’ve been in this dating situation many times since my operation 6 months ago.
What I share may not be applicable to every bloke, but my tips will hopefully help you get a second date and not spend the date worrying about how or when to bring up the ‘C’ word.
Tip #1: Relax, treat it as it is: A Date.
Remember, between you and your prospective date, it is only you making a big issue over something small (/dribbly). At this point in time, she doesn’t know you had prostate cancer or a prostatectomy or radiation treatment etc.
So Relax. It’s just a coffee or wine date.
The objective is to go on the date, be your normal self (not Mr. Grumpy or Mr. Depressed), and impress her so much that she wants a second date with you.
If you’re rusty on the basic tips for first dates, here are a few key items that women have shared with me:
Be on time.
If you are going to be late, text her she will understand.
Dress smart and casual, do not come to your first date looking like you have been working in the garden.
If you know a little about her likes and dislikes, do some research. I have been known to research (ethically stalk) my date’s public Facebook or Instagram account. (But don’t admit it! It comes off a touch creepy.)
If you are still wearing dribble pads, keep them out of sight in a nifty pocket. Trust me, it is embarrassing when a pad accidentally comes out when you pull your wallet out. (Yes, this happened to me.)
Phones off. Basic courtesy. As is all the other dating stuff you should know, like not checking out the other women in the Café. Not a good move and any prospective date will dump you.
Remember, the women you are dating are smart, experienced and have standards. If you fail to meet those basic standards of courtesy, politeness, communication, there will never be a second date regardless of your erectile dysfunctional status. So be polite, listen to her, keep her interested in you.
Tip #2: Modify Your Expectations
Here’s one thing I learned quickly. If your expectations of yourself or the date are too high and you fail to meet these lofty self-imposed goals, a dud date or text message rejection can crush your ego and feel very depressing.
Life has dealt you and me a blow, but it hasn’t killed us. We are still very much alive to enjoy a fantastic life. But your happiness will be significantly impacted if you keep believing that you are not meeting your pre-diagnosis standards and expectations.
In the dating space, I had to modify my expectations relating to meeting women, talking to them and potentially being intimate with them. I had the fear of declaring my post-operation penile issues, and the feeling of being a failure as a Man to be an adequate lover.
However, six months down the track, and with a number of failed and successful dates under my belt, I am regularly dusting myself off after a failed date and getting back on the dating scene to try again. What are my choices? The Couch? Uber Eats, Netflix? No, that is not for me and I hope that is not for you.
So, modify your expectations, go to the date with a positive attitude and aspirations of finding a good connection with this woman.
Yes, your body has changed and in this revised dating game I advise you to take it slower and offer any future partner a great connection, beautiful sensuality (remember sensuality is not the same as ‘sex’), and supportive friendship.
Tip #3: The Prostate Cancer Declaration
In my first date conversations, there is a bit of “to and fro” with each person describing their lives and how they got to be in this dating situation. Be honest, be genuine, be yourself.
If the conversation is flowing freely and there are no uncomfortable periods of silence (or the sound of crickets) then we are on our way to drop the “C” word.
(If the conversation is not flowing, and you or she are not interested in each other after you have finished the first drink, then keep Cancer to yourself as there may not be a second date)
This is how I have raised the subject of Prostate Cancer on dates.
The conversation is usually going along the lines of:
“what have you been up to this year? Travel? Work? Life events?”
If she asks you those questions, that’s your cue!
“Yes, I was going to go to India in May, but I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in March and that stuffed up my travel plans.”
Her reply could be along the lines of:
“Prostate Cancer. Are you okay, are you having treatment?”
You casually reply:
“I am fine, they removed it, and I did not need any ongoing treatment. My body is still recovering downstairs from the surgery, but overall everything is good.”
Small talk about cancer will be generated such as:
“Wow, you were lucky they got it early. I had a friend who had it and he is fine. So will you.”
She may also declare that she has had cancer and you two now have something in common.
Rule #1 - Now in cancer conversation terms, stop there. Do not go on about your surgery, do not mention your dribbles, or your absence of an early morning woody. Move the conversation away to happier things such as when you will get to India or complete the house renovation.
If she has knowledge of prostate cancer (and all the effects to your love tackle) then answer her questions, and be short and positive in your replies. Make her see you as someone who has beaten cancer and it is not going to slow you down. Women love men who have a positive attitude.
It is a fine line of what you say and don’t say here. I have joked about wearing a pad and it got a laugh and a response of: “Now you know what us women have to put up with!”
Rule #2 - Do not overshare. If you get a second or third date, there will be plenty of time to elaborate on your journey to full recovery.
From my experience, the conversation will move away from the cancer issue and you will discover that this person is very interesting and you want to know more about her. Or, you may realise there is no spark between the two of you, or she is not interested in you. The siren sounds, and the date officially ends.
But since we are happy “Cancer Survivors”, we are super positive about life, and of course she is going to enjoy your company and there will be a second date.
As the conversation wanes or the allotted date time expires, recognise that point and do not linger in silence or seem desperate. It becomes uncomfortable and awkward. Finish the date on a high and leave sharing contact details, social media profiles, and availability for another date.
Bonus Tip: OMG! She’s asked me back to her place! (disclosing ED)
Yes, that can happen, even on a first date. Your brain is doing High Fives and Woooohoooos, but at the same time your floppy friend may raise his single lazy eyebrow and if he could talk he may say:
“Hey, I am damaged goods, you will get nothing out of me tonight, you are on your own.”
What do you do? The answer is to remain calm and go back to her place. Don’t say No!
If she’s asked you back to her place for something more than hot chocolate and Netflix, then this is the next delicate declaration.
“You know that I mentioned that I had prostate cancer 6 months ago? Well, my body may not be able to perform as well as it should.”
This will likely be her response:
“I know, and I understand, but you can kiss and you can hold me, can’t you?”
Yes, this is a quote from a real-life scenario. I’ve also had many conversations with women about this and they are in agreement that affection is more important than penetration. So “just hold me" is a common response.
Now what happens next is jumping to a future (and far steamier) article, so until then, if you find yourself in this first date scenario - wing it. Trust me, you will work it out.