Dating after Prostatectomy: One Man's Guide

This is the first in a series of guest articles, written by one man recently sans-Prostate on a mission to live life to the fullest…

How to date without a Prostate

Not all prostate cancer patients have partners. 

For the single guy recovering from his operation or treatment, the journey to partial or full recovery can be lonely - but it doesn’t have to be.

This is the start of a series of articles where I hope to provide you and your flaccid friend with the much-needed reassurance that there can be a dating and a sex life after your operation.

Who am I?

I was diagnosed with prostate cancer in April 2019 and had a robotic Prostatectomy in the following month. Within 7 weeks of the operation, I set off on a 12 months journey of Europe. 

This was a trip planned well in advance of my prostate diagnosis, and I was not going to let a floppy, dribbly penis and a few fresh abdomen scars ruin my holiday plans. 

But by embarking on this ‘Gap Year’, I was removing all the safety nets provided by my family and friends, and saying farewell to all of my female connections within Australia. 

I am now trying out new ways every day in my travels to meet people - and yes, to be successful in the dating game without a prostate.

How I acquired my dating techniques

Prior to my diagnosis, I had been single for 5 years following a 30 year marriage.

During these 5 years of Singledom I had been very active in dating women. Active in a manner that was open, honest and respectful to all the women in my life and who are still there today.

From that I have learnt a lot about dating, sex and sensuality. All driven by one of my early lovers referring to my bedroom performance as Beige!

I had to change, and I did. 

I read relationship and sex related articles, I listened to TED talks, yes I watched porn, I attended workshops, I talked to women, and more importantly, I listened and I learnt.

These learnings made those 5 years exciting, but also made my post operation outlook for dating and sexual functionality very promising.

Yes, my erectile dysfunction issues, my loss of ejaculation, and my current urine dribble are new hurdles for me now, but I am not going to let these issues lead me towards a life of despair. Life is too short.

I am constantly reminded of my current sexual deficiencies and yes it can be depressing,  and I feel that I have lost a big part of my life.

Yes, I have fleeting doubts on my decision for the surgery and yes, I have periods where I have no energy to move forward.

Now 5 months after my operation, I still have no movement downstairs, (Pedro is his name) and I have no idea if Pedro will ever get off his lazy arse and regain full or partial functionality down there. 

But what choices do I have? 

I live by the saying, “if you don’t use it, you lose it”.

With this approach 5 months into this journey I can happily report that my dating and sex life is improving. 

First Step: Work on your ‘dating mindset’.

I made sure I stayed the same person as I was before the operation. 

Women in the past, liked me for me, not what love tackle I had downstairs (if Pedro could talk, he would disagree on that issue 😊).

Now post my operation, my approach to meeting women has not changed. 

What has changed is my outlook to life, my expectations of sexual adventures and how you raise that delicate issue of Erectile Dysfunction with a new female friend (a topic we will delve into in further posts).

When I discussed these post-op issues with my lovers and female friends, I was constantly reminded by them that a penis does not make the man.

“Get over it”, they said. 

Which of course is another whack to the already fragile ego, but they were right.

Technically, an erect penis definitely does help in the act of sexual gymnastics, but if you haven't got one, what are you going to do about it? 

Here is one fact that has helped me…

If you have had prostate cancer and you have undergone surgery or radiation treatment, you are most probably over 50. The women that you will be dating will potentially be around the same age. I can tell you that contrary to what you see on porn sites or in the popular media, 50 plus year old women would prefer a great conversation, a good listener, a beautiful kisser and a sensual lover.

Don't get me wrong, my female friends (regardless of age) have all said that they still love a good hard penis and a man who knows how to use it. But if you don’t have that, just like I don’t, you can offer them things that a well-hung stud cannot.

With your current physical issues, you have to be craftsman, the maestro, the dancer, the chef, a man who can generate something special out of the basic components that you have, and as a result of your skills, make the romantic engagement enjoyable and sustainable.

This series of articles will give you some practical tips to teach you how to do just this based on what is working for me..