What even is sex?

This can be a profoundly useful question to ask at any stage of life, but especially when your sexual function radically changes, completely flipping the physical sexual script as you knew it.

The video above is a commentary on the subject, by renowned sex/couples therapist, Esther Perel.

She explains the difference as she sees it between ‘sex’ and ‘sensuality’ - and how she helps couples develop their ‘erotic intelligence’.

In her words:

“It’s not about statistics and performance... the erotic is profoundly unproductive!

It is a radiant state. It is a moment of interlude in between all our productive life.

When you are just feeling good for its own sake.

And that is a very different conception of sexuality.

No longer just as something you do - but as a space you enter. A place you go...”

— ESTHER PEREL

Here are some options you might find useful on your journey towards deepening pleasure and sensuality. As always, please take what ideas work for you/suit you and leave the rest.

BOOKS & COURSES

—> Penis Pleasure Course.

Learn how to give and receive a penis massage. This is designed for men with erectile dysfunction wanting to increase their pleasure and orgasmic experience. The techniques can be given by a partner or explored solo. Purchase the course here.

—> Sex and Mindfulness.

This guide gives you practical ways to get out of your head and get back into the flow of sexual pleasure. While this book addresses women, the exercises are not particularly gendered and there are exercises for couples too. The primary author Lori Brotto has many years of experience researching the positive impact of mindfulness on people after cancer treatment. Purchase the book here.

—> Urban Tantra.

Tantra refers to an eastern philosophy towards sexuality, where the goal of sexual experiences rests on pleasure, rather than penetration or orgasm. This book, Urban Tantra, is an accessible guide to understanding the philosophy with practical exercises and ideas. Purchase the book here.

PRODUCTS

—> Exploring sensuality products.

There are a lot of myths about sex toys, who uses them, and what they do. Ultimately, think of any sex toy you decide to try as a tool for pleasure exploration. You are looking to either enhance what you know you already enjoy (for example, if you like oral sex on your clitoris, then you might enjoy a toy designed to enhance this sensation), or to discover a new sensual experience to add to your sexual menu (for example, you might discover you love the experience of an all-body massage given with a warm massage oil candle).

—> Visiting a sex shop (online or in-person).

If you are in Australia, I highly recommend Passionfruit in Richmond, Melbourne. It is run by trained sexuality educators and they only stock body-safe products.

Here are our Top Nine Intimate gift ideas from Passionfruit.

If you are in America, I recommend the online store, Early to Bed. The website is easy to navigate and they only stock quality products and brands. Their support service is also excellent if you want to email them a question.

—> Vibrators.

If you are particularly interested in exploring vibrators for the first time, Passionfruit has created handy buying guides here.

There are also vibrators for men - the ‘guybrator’ - our top pick for 2021 is The Manta by Fun Factory.

—> Lubricants.

It may sound too simple, but upgrading your lubricant to one designed for pleasure, rather than function, can be a sensual game-changer. Our favourite pick is this long-lasting silky-smooth silicone-based number by Uberlube. It is hypo-allergenic, doesn’t stain the sheets, pump bottle for easy application and has been designed to enhance pleasurable sensations.

Read out Lubricant Guide for more Lube Knowledge.