Dating without my prostate: Sex for the first time after Prostate Surgery (without erections)

This is the fifth chapter in a series of guest articles, written by one man 6 months without Prostate, on a mission to live life to the fullest…

In my earlier dating articles, I discussed how to meet women online, how to strike up a conversation in person, and how to share that you had cancer.

Importantly, I have also discussed, and I will continue to repeat this, that there is a difference between sex and sensuality, and that you need to modify your expectations on intimacy when it comes to developing post-treatment relationships.

Turning a simple date into something more

So you’ve had your first date over coffee or wine, and it went pretty well.

Your new friend is fun, intriguing, she laughs at your jokes, and you successfully slipped into the conversation that little issue of prostate cancer and your treatment. Well Done.

After such a date, I suggest that you follow up with text messages or phone calls. Demonstrate you were listening to her conversation and you genuinely are interested in her life and her activities.

If you have not already organised another date, do so. It can be coffee again, it could be wines, beers or dinner, or if you have a mutual interest in the arts, or simple walks, just ask her.

Remember, you will not progress off the couch if you do not put yourself out there.

Regardless of the location of the date, the intent is to develop a friendship or connection first. Do not go into any date with an expectation of intimacy. I have had many dates where I was expecting kisses, only to walk away rejected and disappointed.

So when embarking on any date, go with a “no expectations” attitude.

However, if your new female friend does see the super positiveness in you, the conversation and the body language will shift. Then comes the question:

How do I make the first intimate contact?

Again, I am not going to give you a checklist or script. This is just what I do.

I attempt to be tactile in her company and conversation. If I touch her hand or body and she does not recoil, but she lingers for more, that is a good sign.

(Having said that, remember to let her hand go before it gets uncomfortably clammy or she loses blood flow to her fingers!)

Keep the anticipation of the touch and the resulting tingles or delicious goosebumps ever-present.

The Kiss

With my modified post-op expectations, I let the kiss happen naturally. I do not force the situation, nor do I ignore her signs that indicate she would like to be kissed.

Here is some feedback from my female friends about what makes a great kiss:

o Make them soft
o Be exploratory in a tender way with your lips and tongue
o Combine your kisses with gentle caresses and embrace
o Feel the connection, feel the electricity, feel the energy travelling through your lips, feel her body soften and melt. (OMG, I am starting to sound like an erotic fiction writer)

Now, if you have not kissed a woman since your operation or treatment, you might by in for a Huge Surprise...

“Pedro” stirs!

Yes, I have found that kissing is one of my best (and favourite) forms of erection rehabilitation.

For me, it feels like kisses send a once forgotten signal from the brain to the penis. No swelling or engorgement occurs like the good old days, but I feel it. (If this happens to you, please do not stop kissing and punch the air with a huge cheer of Woooohoooo!)

With all these electrical signals bouncing around, I can tell you from experience that panic sets in if you then feel Pedro dribbling.

“Noooooo! I forgot my pads!!”

From my real experience of first time dating in this post-op world, my tip is to wear a pad.

You may have mastered your pelvic floor exercises and you can be as dry as a two sphincter man, but once the kissing starts, your one and only sphincter may get a bit too relaxed.

So long as your pad is in and it is doing its job, you can fully relax and enjoy the kisses, the caresses, the tingles

… and don’t worry about the next scary stage.

Well, it is not really scary, it is that stage of the intimate moment that usually leads to exploratory hands and the partial or full removal of clothing. (Hopefully, you have left the restaurant by now!)

This is Passion.

It is the stuff that you have been missing out on since your diagnosis - and possibly dreading.

Time For Disclosure #2

The kisses and caresses advance. There is genuine passionate energy between the two of you. And I bet you are already thinking ahead. You are now entering into unchartered waters.

Sure, you have kissed before, sure being naked is not the issue. But it is the realisation that there is no hard on, no throb, nothing!

(and potentially a wet spot, that keeps on growing).

Time for a pause in the passion. It’s time to tell your new friend of what is happening - or not happening - downstairs.

Now you may have already discussed this over a drink beforehand, but to minimise concerns and to moderate expectations, it is time to say this is the first time you have been intimate with a woman since your operation or treatment.

She may have very little knowledge of what your treatment has been and what is the operating status of your body.

I’ve had women tell me they thought a Prostatectomy was undertaken via the anus, so don’t assume everyone knows what you’ve been through.

Explain to her the treatment process, show off your robot battle scars, explain that the cruel surgeon stole 30mm of urethra and Mr. Stumpy down there is a shadow of his former glory.

Explain that they also stole one of your sphincters, so bladder control is not under control and pads are a daily requirement.

If your new friend has had children, it is likely she will laugh and say: “Welcome to our world”.

So laugh about it. It’s not the end of the world. In fact, for you, it is the start of a whole new world.

The first time I had sex after surgery…

Here’s what happened.

I explained to my date what my body was and was not capable of doing.

I told them about the damaged nerves and loss of blood flow to the penis. I explained that orgasms with a soft penis is possible, and that this is a work in progress with some interesting achievements. I also stated that I will leave my jocks on (with pad) as I was embarrassed about the leakage.

Then, once that was fully explained, they asked me: “what can I do for you?”.

My reply was: “Nothing, just kiss me, and let me explore your body and enjoy the moment”.

Now if you remember my first article, I stressed the difference between sex and sensuality.

This is the time for you to put your reading and practice into play.

You still have perfectly functioning hands, skin, mouth, tongue and teeth to tantalise, tease, arouse and ultimately generate many orgasms for her.

I have not met a single woman who is not happy to just lie there and be caressed, devoured and consumed by rolling explosive orgasms.

Once she has been exhausted by your tender and sensual touch, just hold her.

Lie there, listen to her breathing return to normal, and be proud that even without a functioning penis you have made your new friend a very happy person.

And even though you are still wearing your jocks and pad, and there may not even be the slightest expansion in Pedro, do not despair, you are about to start a whole new journey of discovery.

Each week, each month, with the ongoing discovery of yourself, you will learn something new about your abilities to enjoy sex, and you will also discover that women do not need a penis to satisfy them.